I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
