Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
