last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
