Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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