Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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