she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
