Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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