I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
