it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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