ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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