I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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