i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
