I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Randomize
