a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
