Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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