now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
