Please, let me fuck your mom
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
