I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
