you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
