I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
