I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
