my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
be right there i have to get my cape
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
