I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
