i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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