The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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