we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
barbara walters just said penis...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
