Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
