i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
