FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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