genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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