@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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