Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
