Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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