they need to just BURY HIM!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
