But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
