Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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