good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
