So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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