I faked an abortion last night.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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