Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I forgot how hot balto sounded
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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