My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
