dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I need to align my fucking chakras
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
