I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
