And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
