You just made me feel so damn special
another moral hangover. fuck.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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