is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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