pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
