You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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