So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
