I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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